I have a feeling lately that I forgot something. It’s not my keys, not the umbrella, not my wallet, not my phone. I have everything I need with me, but I still have the urge to look around and check my things again. Something is surely missing. It has been a while, but today I realized that I am missing something in my heart. I miss being in love. I used to have this capability to fall in love in a blink of an eye. I was able to fall for a smile, a nice pair of baby blue eyes, or for a funny note. I was able to love, sometimes only just to be in love. I was constantly in love. Somehow, somewhere on the bumpy road of disastrous stories, I lost that capability. And I miss it.
I declare that I want to find the love of my life, but my heart stopped to believe in all this, and stopped being recklessly romantic. I overthink, I keep my head low, I don’t look into any eyes, I don’t smile, I don’t tempt and I don’t trust. I refuse to fall for someone and lose control. I deny the chance to be a real woman and to be happy.
Falling in love is consuming and it takes away all your power. Falling in love with someone is like letting your hair loose after a tightly fixed pony tail. It is a liberating feeling and in the same time it gives the chance to the wind to mess it all up. Despite that, I still like it when my hair tickles my face. It might take some time to brush it all out, but it looks nicer when it can fly freely. This is exactly how my heart should live. Love should be the beauty treatment that would sparkle in my eyes and would shine on my face. Love should echo in my laughter and it should draw the lines of the curves on my body. My soul should long for someone and should be filled with the joy of excitement and passion…
Even if it would end up in a messy heart-break, I would use the brush of chocolate and tears on friendly shoulders to get everything in order again. I have to find the way to believe in love again. Before I lose it for real and forever.
I had a crazy day today. You know one of the days when your head is filled with shouting thoughts that run around in circles and you can’t hear your own sence at all. Like a heavy wind that is only a diplomat of the great storm that’s coming at you. It can be annoying and I had no idea how to stop it. My only helpless solution was to do something, so I started cleaning. You know me. I am not very good on the cleaning part. I just simply don’t like the whole process of doing something and then start to do the same thing again the next week. For myslef. For nothing. I never liked practising, maybe that is why I stopped playing the piano too.
Anyway, I finally started to clean the bathroom. I thought at least it was the smallest place in my after all small flat and I was going around with my shouting circling thoughts until one freezing moment. I simply moved the bathroom cupboard - you know, the one that always leave a purple mark on my leg, because I kick it every single time when I step out of the shower - and everything started to slow down, stop and freeze, but get fast forward at the same time: It was the moment when I saw your toothbrush. It was covered with dust and it looked exactly the same as in that similar crazy afternoon, when I threw it to the corner after I realized that you will never come back. I don’t even remember how we started the fight, it must have been something really stupid. At first we had these stupid fights and we always started to laugh in the middle of it. But after a few months, the laugh never came back. I thought that the day when your toothbrush moved into my flat was the day when you declared commitment. It was like saying I love you-s or I plan to stay here-s. A small everyday item that became a trophy of emotion and a sign of hope that this love will be different.I wanted to believe it so much that I was even happy to clean the bathroom while your toothbrush was winking at me. I knew that what I did was preparing a cosy and clean home. For you. For my everything. Every fading picture of our long lost love started to take the place of the shouting voices in my head but these memories finally calmed me down.
I was sitting there until the evening sunlight stripe slowly got away from the tiled floor and left us in the dark. Me, the messy bathroom and your stupid toothbrush.
There is a small square in London that most people don’t even know about. It is in the palm of Covent garden and I think a part of my heart lives there. I only realized it because there is no day passing by without me going there at least once when I am in the city. Somehow my feet have to cross the path where something really good happened to me.
I guess that happy memories work like invisible umbilical cords. When they happen, our souls get tied to the scenes that witnessed the moment. It is written in personal histories and it is stored in landscapes, bricks and street tiles.
It may be that anywhere I go and fall in love with, awake a life that will continue even if I never go back again. It starts with happy moments and it lasts a lifetime in my soul. To get there is like stepping into a dream that seems to be going on for a while. I wish I had multiple dimensions so I could live in all the cities I love in the same time and not to be limited only for a visit. Continue reading →
Instagram is the place where you can share your beautiful pictures with the world. There is a need in us to share things with others and show how wonderful our life is, and that we are all wonderful in it. I think that everyone who enters this platform wants to know the secret know-how, on how is that some people have millions of followers and others can hardly get their own friends and family to follow and like them. I got the courage to examine the situation and here is the most important 10 steps that you really really have to take to become an Instagram sensation. If you feel that you are not ready for any of these, just give up. You can save yourself the shameful failure…
I think that in our lives we have a crazy idea that we indeed belong to a place and a time and we have a spot among the people around us. That everything that we call life should have some consistency and that there are times when the world stops for a moment to celebrate perfectness. The planet would laugh out loud on this idea if it knew, that we only live and work for those kind of moments. That is why it never stops moving, as it is written in it’s nature.
Change is good.
I have a group of people that I have been working with in the past three years. Lovely, colorful and valuable people. I actually spent more time with them in these years than with anybody else. My friends, my family or even myself. We live our days like little birds in the nest and we enjoy it. We have love and we have the trust of being there for each other.
One bird just flew out of this nest yesterday. She decided that there are new horizons that she should see, so she spread her wings and flew away. It should not be a big thing, since nobody died, life goes on, but still…
The best way to get to know a city is trying to live like a local resident whilst there. That’s why I woke up early this morning and headed to Oxford street to see how people start a typical work day in London. I dived into the moving crowd to realize my presence and feel their energy. The well dressed men and women were marching down the road as an army of modern-day industrial soldiers. I felt that this morning is like any other and I sensed the determination, will power and strength. The rhythm of our steps were echoed on the old building walls, windows monitored our powerful movement. Crowds were coming to join us from the narrow tube station gates and the whole road was filled with the feeling of battle. You have to live like a shark in a city like this: keep moving, swim in the seas of challenges or get ready to go down. The coffees are not for wandering around, you go in, go out and you slip your morning fuel from a paper cup. This is not Paris, this is a center of business and you have to be the best and strongest version of yourself. As I was walking amongst them I had to think about my possible spot in this food chain. Could I survive here? Would the city bite pieces out of me or could I concur and be one of them? I guess you have to be in it to win it. I just wish I knew how many dreams have come true here…
This is a slow day and I hear that lunch is almost ready somewhere based on the far away sounds of table setting. The sun is gently touching the flowers on the balcony and the breeze tickles the curtain to move from time to time. The air is filled with songs of the birds and there is nothing to bother the peace of my home.
Suddenly a surprising noise is rushing through the window into my ears. A newborn baby’s cry.
There is an element of shock when you hear a baby shedding tears after years of not hearing any, so I just sat down to simply listen to it. I realized that it is a nice feeling to hear a newborn expressing feelings. There is anger and desperation, willpower and weakness in the same breath. Like a declaration of existence. A new person is here to stay, has needs, wants something and wants it right now. The ones who love this little one probably dream of a life that is full of secrets now, but will be joyful and a success. Pure hope and excitement for the human kind to hear a strong baby cry.
We were all newborns once and no matter where we are in our lives, it was the same start for everyone. A constant need for attention and unbroken trust in positive response. The infants don’t think about anyone’s opinion on the noises they make. They just simply have this urge to make the world listen.
We should never stop believing that our voices are worth hearing.
The Mom of this precious baby – my neighbour - read this story and she sent a photo of her beautiful daughter, Hanga Anna.
There is this endless Universe with countless galaxies and always changing stars and it holds a tiny place where our Sun is the queen. She gives the warm light to 9 proud planets who dance around her from the beginning of time and among those dancers there is Earth that we call home. She is far from her neighbours, not too big, not too small but she is the most beautiful. On Earth there are 5 big oceans, 6 wide continents, 124 deep seas, 257 independent countries and many high mountains and running rivers that could keep us apart. There are seven billion people like us, speaking seven thousand different languages but we are all united in longing for the same thing: to find that only one person who would make us feel whole again. I know, it seems like a hopeless challenge.
I still think that we are lucky that we live so close. This is why wherever you are stop for a minute, look up and smile.
An astronaut just took our first picture from the sky.
The evening was slow but the dark came suddenly. Like if the sky threw a blanket over the desert of Kenya. The unexpected darkness made the eyes wait before they could see the stars. Million reasons to think of the light and try to survive the night. She was looking into the deep shadows without any movement. Her arms were around her legs as she was sitting at the edge of the truck and seemed that she wants to read out the answers from the distance. There were no questions asked.
Suddenly there were lionesses coming out of the shadow and took their positions at a nearby bush to observe the trucks and the hunting territory. Peaceful creatures with the breath of death and the glory of their kingdom.
- I never knew what I put myself into when I fell for your smile. – She said and her voice wasn’t coloured with any shade of emotions. – I just walked into your world and let you be the ruler of my faith. Continue reading →
It has been five long years since I have you in my life. I first met you on Facebook and I had this instant feeling that we will be good friends. Giving you and receiving you gave a nice feeling. This was the ideal way to show appreciation in that world. Nowadays you have different forms. Sometimes you are a heart, sometimes a star, or a thumbs up. You feed people with the same idea and no offence, but you are EVERYWHERE. You just took over our lives. I don’t even remember how I expressed my feelings before you. Continue reading →
Old grandmas tell their stories of golden fields and hard work. Young and old from the whole community worked together as one when the time of sowing and reaping came. The common goal, determination and interest made these kind of days memorable. Along the sweat and tears on the hot summer days, aching backs, feet and hands. I can imagine how the mutual experiences bonded people together. It must have been great to celebrate at the end of a successful season.
Grandmas say that it was the best opportunity to see which man is ready for marriage, who is lazy, who is tough, who would be a great family man and who needs more time to grow. Based on how they approached their work and duty. Probably men also had the chance to see the women of their community. They had to take care of things, be lovely and chatty but prompt and effective at the same time. Finding the rhythm between two people during a physically challenging process must be a good seed for a love story and a shared future.
I was thinking about this while I was working with my colleagues on a charity gardening event at a children’s home. Continue reading →
I would like to thank Cynthia, for awarding me with the Versatile Blogger Award!
It is a very nice feeling to be recognized by a fellow writer.
I hope that I can express my romantic thoughts and feelings in a way that would find echoes in your hearts.
By accepting the award I would need to: 1. Thank the person who nominated me and create a link back to their blog. 2. Share 7 things about myself. 3. Nominate 10 other versatile bloggers. 4. Tell the bloggers that I’ve nominated them.
7 things that would sum up my world:
daydreaming, reading, finding words to describe feelings, learning to love myself and others, find joy in everyday life, work hard to be the best version of me, try to wear my heart on my sleeve
I am listening to birds singing happy songs in the rain. I opened the window because the drops knocking on the glass reminded me that you won’t come to my door. I am sitting here since and let the cold breeze come to hold my hand. I watch as they turn a little blue so I will have a reason to go back to bed and turn to the wall. I will imagine you laying behind me and let the sounds of the rain and the birds cover the silence of your missing breathing.
Sunday is never easy.
With the missing sun it’s just another day without you.
It is 22. This is the number of times when I saw these small happy flowers waving hello out of the fresh green grass. I like these ones. You see? Their yellow heads with small white collars around the neck. When they are here I know that the warm days are coming. Oh, you did well for a beginner. Sometimes Master has to push them up to get on my back. Well done. Well done. We can go now? Well Darling, if you would do me a favour please kick me a little bit harder on the side. I gained a few pounds recently and this gentle touch is not enough for me anymore… Continue reading →
I was at the flea market today. I was going around and around and I tried to find a missing piece for my home. I moved in almost two years ago and I have been collecting the vintage furnitures and accessories one by one for years. It felt like a puzzle. While I was looking for the next one to fit in, I felt really satisfied. I knew that at the end of this game I will have my perfect home. My castle. My realm. I will have my roots here and many good years will come. It was a nice plan but today I realized that something has changed. Continue reading →
All the girls like fairy tales. I think even boys do. We like the concept of two souls finding each other, fall in love at first sight and no matter what the odds might be, we want the characters to live happily ever after. Not that we know exactly what that means. Have you ever thought about the ever after part? That takes a lot of days to be happy…
Every time I have a really big question about life I like to turn to the ones with endless wisdom. Yes. To kids.
There are only a few chances in a lifetime to feel absolute happiness. My glass is almost full, my grass is mostly green, but I still can count one by one the best and happiest moments of my life. Simply because the perfect happiness with perfect timing is like waiting for a butterfly to sit on your hand.
Even if it happens, it is only a blink of an eye, a few heartbeats and it is gone. There is a slight chance that a picture can awake the experience because the visual capture also builds the fence of perspective. It fades all the rest of the magic. I wish I could replay those exact scenes in my mind on a repeat. Would be better than any drug in the world.
Today I accidentally found a lost melody. It was like thunder and lightning on a silent summer night. All my veins got filled with adrenalin, my heart started jumping in my chest, my head felt dizzy and I stopped breathing for a while. I felt the pure happiness of that rainy January day when I first saw you. The chords of these sounds are written on my heart and they stored all the euphoria and pure joy forever. This is my melody. This is my time travel. This is my drug.
I have this goal to be a woman of the best kind. I will make sure that I will be ready to be a crown on the head of a man and not a trophy in his bed. Women in our days and in my society are well-educated, well prepared for their lives but in the meantime we have been taught that we should never feel satisfied, we should always push our limits and we have all the knowledge in the world to train ourselves in anything. With this in mind I started to look for great ideas on how to become a great woman, a wanted, exceptional and valued one. I will not name my sources, but here is a sum of the things I could learn: Continue reading →
The wind of change has been blowing in me for days now. Came as an uninvited guest and seduced everything I keep in my heart to take them for a crazy dance. Like old leaves dance in circles above the autumn ground or the dust on a wide road during summer.
I can’t help but to stare at them mesmerized and wait in the middle for the results to come. I only hear some words like whispers, but no stories to be told in the storm. Sometimes I feel scared, mostly exhausted but I know for sure: the chaos in my heart is giving birth to something new that will make total sense in my mind when it is ready. I wait for the new ideas to make a difference and let the words to come and describe. They will stand in line and build up sentences to declare the new world. So wait my soul, dance until the wind of change takes a bow and leaves the peace.
You said once, that I should never stop dreaming. I had a dream last night and it made me think of your words again. All the dreams I ever had at night were blurry, hard to remember and they never made too much sense. Sometimes they were rather creepy. Why is it then that people really like to use this term that we should dream big, dream constantly and make our dreams come true? Continue reading →