I have a feeling lately that I forgot something. It’s not my keys, not the umbrella, not my wallet, not my phone. I have everything I need with me, but I still have the urge to look around and check my things again. Something is surely missing. It has been a while, but today I realized that I am missing something in my heart. I miss being in love. I used to have this capability to fall in love in a blink of an eye. I was able to fall for a smile, a nice pair of baby blue eyes, or for a funny note. I was able to love, sometimes only just to be in love. I was constantly in love. Somehow, somewhere on the bumpy road of disastrous stories, I lost that capability. And I miss it.
I declare that I want to find the love of my life, but my heart stopped to believe in all this, and stopped being recklessly romantic. I overthink, I keep my head low, I don’t look into any eyes, I don’t smile, I don’t tempt and I don’t trust. I refuse to fall for someone and lose control. I deny the chance to be a real woman and to be happy.
Falling in love is consuming and it takes away all your power. Falling in love with someone is like letting your hair loose after a tightly fixed pony tail. It is a liberating feeling and in the same time it gives the chance to the wind to mess it all up. Despite that, I still like it when my hair tickles my face. It might take some time to brush it all out, but it looks nicer when it can fly freely. This is exactly how my heart should live. Love should be the beauty treatment that would sparkle in my eyes and would shine on my face. Love should echo in my laughter and it should draw the lines of the curves on my body. My soul should long for someone and should be filled with the joy of excitement and passion…
Even if it would end up in a messy heart-break, I would use the brush of chocolate and tears on friendly shoulders to get everything in order again. I have to find the way to believe in love again. Before I lose it for real and forever.
There is this endless Universe with countless galaxies and always changing stars and it holds a tiny place where our Sun is the queen. She gives the warm light to 9 proud planets who dance around her from the beginning of time and among those dancers there is Earth that we call home. She is far from her neighbours, not too big, not too small but she is the most beautiful. On Earth there are 5 big oceans, 6 wide continents, 124 deep seas, 257 independent countries and many high mountains and running rivers that could keep us apart. There are seven billion people like us, speaking seven thousand different languages but we are all united in longing for the same thing: to find that only one person who would make us feel whole again. I know, it seems like a hopeless challenge.
I still think that we are lucky that we live so close. This is why wherever you are stop for a minute, look up and smile.
An astronaut just took our first picture from the sky.
I am listening to birds singing happy songs in the rain. I opened the window because the drops knocking on the glass reminded me that you won’t come to my door. I am sitting here since and let the cold breeze come to hold my hand. I watch as they turn a little blue so I will have a reason to go back to bed and turn to the wall. I will imagine you laying behind me and let the sounds of the rain and the birds cover the silence of your missing breathing.
Sunday is never easy.
With the missing sun it’s just another day without you.
There are only a few chances in a lifetime to feel absolute happiness. My glass is almost full, my grass is mostly green, but I still can count one by one the best and happiest moments of my life. Simply because the perfect happiness with perfect timing is like waiting for a butterfly to sit on your hand.
Even if it happens, it is only a blink of an eye, a few heartbeats and it is gone. There is a slight chance that a picture can awake the experience because the visual capture also builds the fence of perspective. It fades all the rest of the magic. I wish I could replay those exact scenes in my mind on a repeat. Would be better than any drug in the world.
Today I accidentally found a lost melody. It was like thunder and lightning on a silent summer night. All my veins got filled with adrenalin, my heart started jumping in my chest, my head felt dizzy and I stopped breathing for a while. I felt the pure happiness of that rainy January day when I first saw you. The chords of these sounds are written on my heart and they stored all the euphoria and pure joy forever. This is my melody. This is my time travel. This is my drug.
The wind of change has been blowing in me for days now. Came as an uninvited guest and seduced everything I keep in my heart to take them for a crazy dance. Like old leaves dance in circles above the autumn ground or the dust on a wide road during summer.
I can’t help but to stare at them mesmerized and wait in the middle for the results to come. I only hear some words like whispers, but no stories to be told in the storm. Sometimes I feel scared, mostly exhausted but I know for sure: the chaos in my heart is giving birth to something new that will make total sense in my mind when it is ready. I wait for the new ideas to make a difference and let the words to come and describe. They will stand in line and build up sentences to declare the new world. So wait my soul, dance until the wind of change takes a bow and leaves the peace.
There are a lot of things that could be shared about hugs. I have one favourite: I love it when I hug someone and I am ready to let go, to feel them hug me even tighter. It is like a love poem written by arms. I think that when people hug each other and stop talking, that’s when their hearts start to speak. Every echoed heartbeat has a meaning when we cuddle. Lifelong decisions can be made chest to chest if we dare to listen. That is why I wish I had the chance to hug you today. My heart was filled with secrets that can’t reach my mind. I can’t translate them to letters or words, thoughts or feelings. I waited all day to put my arms around you, but you are far away. So I hugged a tree. This wise, old creature listened to the secrets of my heart and I found some peace. If you have time tonight, go out to the park and hug a tree.
My message will be there and your heart will understand.
Hello, You probably haven’t noticed me. I wouldn’t have noticed me either, it was only a blink of an eye while our roads crossed on the posh street of the capital. You were wearing big sunglasses, your hair was blond, bright and shiny. Continue reading →